Monday, July 25, 2016

I’m writing this book to set the record straight.

Everyone seems to know the truth. While truth stands away, leaning against a wall, with an apple in her hands. She watches bemused as she takes mid - sized bites of the crisp red fruit. All these people, so smug in the comfort of their realities, carrying the weight of their ignorance as a hurting back, neck pain, shoulder knots or all.

I was there. I saw it. I saw her pick it up. She looked at it for a long time. She wished it could stay like that forever. If it could she would not have done that. But since it couldn’t, she went ahead and did it. I saw her take out the knife and make a clean slice through the center. A perfect half.

And then she saw it. A blotch on the south west corner of the right half. She looked at it like it was not real. Like that unmistakable blotch was somehow a mistake. A blotch on that which was so perfect she would have kept it forever,  but because she could not, she did not.

She looked away and made a quick decision. The jury of the many minds that lived in that mind had made a unanimous decision; for once; well almost. Only one mind of the many minds was sort of unconvinced. But that was quickly voted out.

She felt weak for a jiffy. One hundredth of a second, that’s exactly how long she felt weak for. Then she picked it up and flung it out of the window in front of her. And as it flew out, it knocked out the apple that lay on top of the pile in the basket by the window. It fell outside, unharmed. 

It was red and crisp like the sun.






posted by Fly @ 8:13 PM   1 Comments

Thursday, February 25, 2016

That's my secret, Cap. I'm always angry.

I am a happy person. But I'm also an  angry person. I have almost no patience for the wrong, for injustice and mediocrity. I give a chance, but not too many. Utopia may be impossible, but striving for it can only make things better. How else can we reach the best if we don't aim for the brilliant? Acceptance is peaceful. But there are glorious perils of feeling too much. It makes things happen. Un-settlement is the precursor to the perfect settlement. That's the only way I know.

The world needs a balance of all kinds of people. The quiet, the boisterous, the passionate, the passive, the brave, the diplomatic and everything in between. Every single person has a role. I'm just the angry one. And I'm happy for that. My mojo may be too strong for you, but that's not my problem because I have bigger things to do. I have utmost respect for the silent, dogged worker. I salute every form of determination; as long it's there. But I have no respect for the idiot with a big mouth. No patience for the 'stupid ones full of confidence' in the words of Bukowski. You waste the world's time.

I may or may not reach anywhere with this, but I know the rise or the fall will both be worth it. Diplomacy is not my forte and despite the world trying to push you towards developing it, I just don't learn. And that's my contribution. And all while sporting a spine that's ridiculously straight and outshines the sun.

I am strong. I am aggressive. I don't mince words. I don't wait for the right time. I am too loud and too 'out there' for a woman. And I am fucking proud of it. And if you can't handle it, I'm happy that there is something that unsettles you. That's a good start.

I'm reminded of the time when we were recognized for something we worked really hard for and most importantly for a cause I strongly believe in. I told my friend, elated, overwhelmed and also a bit haggard that I had to fight the world to make things happen. And he said, "the world belongs to those who fight the world to make things happen."

posted by Fly @ 3:33 PM   1 Comments

Monday, January 26, 2015

God is a matron.

The curse of the restless.
No activity feels right.
Always trying to grasp the ‘something better’ that seems out of reach but is definitely out there.
The television beckons while reading.
Books beckon while watching television.
The internet charms whenever it pleases.
Music, Movies, Travel.
Learning something new. A dance form. An instrument. A language.
There are so many great things to do. Time is so restricting.
One day with my nose engrossed in a book, mom entered the room and said, “How many books will you read? You can’t finish them all!”
That made me think. I agreed with mom, for once. I am so eager to do it all. To fill every moment till it’s bursting from its seams. Mostly this desire actualizes as only an empty desperate want within, torn between the enchanting romance of being idle, eyes looking around for that perfect thing to do, not being satisfied with anything I take up. Oh, I’d rather do that. Ah, I’d rather do nothing!
There are people who find one thing they inexorably fall in love with and can’t imagine doing anything else. “I knew I had to be a writer”, “I eat, sleep and breathe soccer.” So easy. No conflict. You get up and you know what to do.
While I wake up everyday with a sinking feeling that my life is passing by as I watch helplessly. And then a stray comment from mom makes me realize that I cannot do it all. In this one lifetime, I have to choose. It can be 2, 3 or 10 things but its got to be finite. That in a life you have constants that stay and variables that you can toy with. And all this you have to figure in these limited days in a month, a year, a life. Take out old age, take out childhood from the equation and you have a very meager mass left. And then you tell me I’m FOMO!
This disappointing but liberating realization is a great thing to have happened. Especially now, in the beginning of the year. Now I can stop constantly feeling like a fish out of water. Breathe. It’s finite.
Cruel cruel creator put us in the middle of this amazeballs place and placed a harsh time limit to it. We are all Cinderellas.
So I’m like this curator of experiences, basically. An awesome article. A great picture. A little known scientist who changed the world. A popular artist who’s a scam. A quote. A person. A book. A man on the street; a king from the past. There are so many stories. So many awesome things that have happened, are happening, will happen in this world. As I hungrily try to gulp all this enchanting knowledge beverage from a bottomless cosmic glass.
It may be an obvious thing for most people. But I guess I’m a sadho. Searcher. Restless. Like, I even actually suffer from what’s called RLS - Restless Leg Syndrome. It’s an actual thing. A very small percentage of the population has it. Speaking of which, an unrelated revelation is I’m also one of the few to have the ‘Photic Sneeze Reflex’. It’s probably not a good idea for people like me to make fun of conditions like Anatidaephobia.
Coming back, I call God a matron because he made this wonderful, joyous experience but has placed a strict order in its matrix. So many good things to eat, but can’t eat too much.  Morning brings light but it goes. Glorious night arrives but it goes.
The thirst is unquenchable. Ignorance is bliss.
We only have to find the few that give us peace and purpose.
And to know that there’s no point looking for magic ‘cause we are magic ourselves. We are all stardust. We are a reflection of the universe.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower

It is right it should be so;
Man was made for Joy and Woe;
And when this we rightly know
Thro’ the World we safely go.

PS: This post has happened because it's a long weekend and I have satiated all rubbish things to do. The cream rises after you grind the curd. A little more time at hand and things you really want to do can start happening. 

posted by Fly @ 2:49 AM   0 Comments

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2014

Very strange feeling. It's the 28th. Maybe I'm writing this too soon. Can't believe the time has come though. That this year is ending. For the first time it feels like its not. Time feels transient. It is us who mark the calendars.
Nevertheless, to think back upon this year feels like going through endless frames. Too much has happened. And yet it feels like nothing has. I have always yearned for much. But what does it count if you can't feel it at all. Supreme detachment.
Anyway, the single most important thing that happened this year is I LEFT THAT JOB. I left. I went. I exited planet Goregaon. I ended the wretched ordeal that I had persisted upon for reasons that seem the most idiotic today. There are many jobs out there. There is work out there. There is more money out there. Nothing, nothing should keep you working for a place where your talent and worth is being compromised. Stupid bosses is a no go, for life! Ironical that I stayed on there for the work and the work didn't count where I was hired next. Only I did.
I only look back at it now as a place I completely overstayed in. Month after month, year after year, the reasons to stay always made sense. Work did happen. I did leave on the high of a successful, celebrated campaign. But the way of working that I put up with were grossly wrong. I let low lives set rules that seemed unchangeable. No act of injustice is unchangeable. You either go on or move on.
June. Exactly 6 months into the year, my almost 5 year fantasy materialized. It seems funny that I felt allegiance to the unfair people, place and brand enough to not be able to say the word “Quit” even and chose to go with “I want to drop the big Q.” Lol. Unwarranted. Undeserved. I had served pricks who did not deserve me. Who did not try to hold on to the treasure that stood by in the worst and kept them going. Well, Karma resolves what you don’t and needn't.
The learning is to never, ever, ever give that lifetime of a time to anyone, anybody, anyplace that may have “something” going but doesn't agree with you on a cellular, ethical, deeply personal level. The best work is not worth the blow to the conscience. It’s funny how one can be eased into injustice. How the most ferocious people can accept it as a norm. As shit that just happens and you just stick around to make your most. ‘Most’ doesn't happen in ditches. It happens under the glorious sun.
I think I tend to give things too much of a chance. I haven’t been a drifter. Only two jobs old in the industry yet. That must change too. It is important to interpret the dust rising from afar as the signs of a storm as soon as one can.
Life is short.
Half a decade. The best years of my 20s. Spent gathering cortisol.  God knows how. God knows why. But I move on. And perhaps one day I will understand. Or perhaps human stupidity defies divine design.
Anyhoo. At least it’s over. Finally, it is. It would have for sure. The time had come when all reasons broke the saturation barrier. The red sign was on. And everyone ran for their life. Mass exodus. One tight slap.
This venting was long. But the event warranted it. This year warranted it. The final exhaust at the last stop of the goods train.
Then, the much romanticized month long break I gave myself was ridden with bad omen. Right at its onset, the along awaited, long jinxed trip gloriously blasted in our face. Night before departure. That cruel.  I still went on with the break I felt I deserved. Home just got to me. And all the frustration just kept coming out. Maybe it was the cleansing I needed to start afresh.
August 1st was Day one of Job 3. No one was there. I had bad lunch in a nearby hotel. But slowly work crept in and very quickly, completely took over. Too much work. But I kept afloat the deluge with surprising cheerfulness because I was probably enjoying the variety of categories after long. Don’t know if that is a healthy thing though. Because the work life balance is fully tipped to the former. Ridiculous 9 am meetings after full nighters are a norm. If my will doesn't, my body may surely give up. But overall, it’s been enjoyable. Again, probably it’s my depraved part enjoying the chaos but this clamour I feel is not the best thing to put up with. It rounds up to the big question of doing things the unacceptable way, though it’s not as drastic here as it sounds.
Overall, on the work front, right now I’m too occupied to think beyond but I do wonder if there are better things to do for me. I wanted time to explore them but I’m not getting that here and I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I need to sit and ponder over the hows and abouts of taking that chance. If not now, when.
Meanwhile, here an article on ‘The disease of being busy.’ http://www.onbeing.org/blog/the-disease-of-being-busy/7023
I fear that this business will engulf all my desires and I wouldn’t even know it. 
That’s the work front. 
We come to the another big part of my self. 
My wanderlust.
In 2014, I did manage a few getaways. 
Feb, was Kerala with G and N. 
June was the fastest trip across 5 locations up north. The worst time to be there. Delhi was the hottest it has ever been and the cold areas nearby were understandably thronged. Yet, it was a super exciting trip. Anything can be super exciting with the right peeps. This trip taught me that there is no wrong time to travel, no wrong place to go to and no bad plans.
October saw a long weekend spent in Coorg. My long wish of going out on a long weekend happened here. There, the simple joys of a homestay. Another first. Of living by a lane versus a fancy hotel. Of befriending aunties, getting free coffee, naming their cat and swimming in the pool at their estate. And the monks at the unforgettable Tibetan village in Bylakuppe. Beautiful. This trip taught me the importance of the right company or none.
Later, a day or two spent in Calcutta and this years only visit to the bereaved Goa (almost miraculous) also happened. Very small but very relaxing and enriching.
That’s a lot of places marked this year. Yet, my soul yearns for more. It feels like its seen nothing, been nowhere. These visits seem like memories of a time long gone. There have to be more, there have to be many. Slowly, slowly, I shall figure ways. Fast, fast  rather. No excuses. Nothing to come in my way. All shit reasons and all unseemly people can go to ****.
Not to forget bringing in the big birthday in style. This year foren banta hai.
Another big event, person wise, my influences wise, writer wise, life wise, was interacting with the living legend, the charming, the disarming GULZAR. This encounter was so deeply affecting, it deserves a post of its own. On the other hand, probably no combination of words can ever truly convey what the experience has been to me. I bow to thee.
Friend front: -
Have to admit that I’m tired of everyone’s issues and slowly detaching away. 
Aao to bhala, jaao to bhala.
Big event of the year is H is Hitched! That which seemed never to happen, happened so fast and so strong it’s unbelievable! But I'm afraid they have turned out to be those OTT couples and I think she doesn’t really like me. Still, happy that he found love and hopeful that I too shall! Never too late, no scene too impossible. Because this sure is destiny at play.
Another big event is when I gained the new job, I almost lost K. The least I have spoken to her in all the time I have known her I think. I thought we were above stuff but apparently it’s not true. There was a lot of hurt, primarily due to the phase I was in. Accentuated by some stupid acts by her and her kin. Totally over it but want to communicate some things about it to her for the future. Not sure if I should/will. 
Why are confrontations so tough. Why do people go through things with each other find it so tough to talk about it to each other.
Punds is getting better. He seems to be slowly coming around. Feels nice to have him around. The year has been tough on him and I sincerely pray the coming year is so much better that joy goes all happydentwhite on him.
Looking Forward: -
For the new year.
My mind is a jumble over things I want.
The top one on my wishlist since years is fulfilled. Leaving that job.
Though I am supremely grateful, this year I have to figure ways to find what I seek. Is it money? Is it another line? Is it something else?
Move out.

The money I’m earning is not acceptable to me. Esp for the amount of effort and how much of your life it takes. 
Time is an illusion. Very quickly a lot of time passes. What your life truly needs, what you truly want, has to be figured out amidst the chaos. Very fast. 
Dekha jaaye to lot of epic things have happened this year overall, still, why so serious? 
A big weight off my being will be when I get the freedom I crave. I don't know if I have the strength. I leave this to the almighty. He will show me light, when the time is right.
I don't know if what i feel now in life is a state of resignation or that of acceptance. Both they say are not the way to be. What about full power. What about go get it. But my insides feel rested, strangely. Unaffected.

So here's a more consolidated list: -

Earn more money.
Move out.
Big and small travel.
Foren. Plan it out.
Kuch off beat kaam bhi kar lete hain, work wise.
Explore other lines.
Sort mom's health.
Bro to focus on his career.
Some force into B's wedding.
Chart out all these on a calendar and plan them out.

Possibly find love.

Here's to a new year. An exciting year. A happy year. A better year. A heall yeah, year. Where life will have no compromises. Where shit will have no patience or consideration. Where freedom will come. It will come, it has to. For this is the big year.

And if not now, when. 

posted by Fly @ 9:10 PM   1 Comments

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Individualism.


Individualism came from the skies
The eastern wind picked it up from the western side
It blew faintly
The light, sunny, fragrant breeze
Curious, the women stepped out 
The men sneezed.
Oh, the mesmerizing whiff of freedom
Heck, a challenge to the kingdom
We don't need this
Who got thee?
Ignorant as always
They didn't understand
Freedom itself says it's free

posted by Fly @ 9:28 PM   0 Comments

The Golden Cup.

People are dying
Every day, people are dying
Death brings contrasting realizations
It tells you to live your life as much as tells you to not
It tell you life is short, make your own story, live your happiness
And it tells you life is short, be there for your loved ones, don't be selfish
Selfish.
How far do you go in pursuit of your happiness that everyone close to you is left behind
How far do you go to keep your loved ones happy that you lose yourself on the way
Is a life of balance possible
Is work - life balance possible?
Is parental love - romantic love - friend love balance possible?
What is the point of self actualization when you become inert to the pain of your closest you once needed just a whiff of.
In which road to happiness is it easier to move on than to mend.
Go on, move on.
Keep walking. 
Walk to your fountain of personal joy. Uncomplicated, stress-free, bounty. 
Trample on tears as you bounce towards your golden cup.
Go on.
Life is short.

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posted by Fly @ 6:04 PM   0 Comments

Thursday, March 13, 2014

My article on India Opines.

posted by Fly @ 4:04 PM   0 Comments