Ummapalm

Very strange feeling. It's the 28th. Maybe I'm writing this too soon. Can't believe the time has come though. That this year is ending. For the first time it feels like its not. Time feels transient. It is us who mark the calendars.

Nevertheless, to think back upon this year feels like going through endless frames. Too much has happened. And yet it feels like nothing has. I have always yearned for much. But what does it count if you can't feel it at all. Supreme detachment.

Anyway, the single most important thing that happened this year is I LEFT THAT JOB. I left. I went. I exited planet Goregaon. I ended the wretched ordeal that I had persisted upon for reasons that seem the most idiotic today. There are many jobs out there. There is work out there. There is more money out there. Nothing, nothing should keep you working for a place where your talent and worth is being compromised. Stupid bosses is a no go, for life! Ironical that I stayed on there for the work and the work didn't count where I was hired next. Only I did.

I only look back at it now as a place I completely overstayed in. Month after month, year after year, the reasons to stay always made sense. Work did happen. I did leave on the high of a successful, celebrated campaign. But the way of working that I put up with were grossly wrong. I let low lives set rules that seemed unchangeable. No act of injustice is unchangeable. You either go on or move on.

June. Exactly 6 months into the year, my almost 5 year fantasy materialized. It seems funny that I felt allegiance to the unfair people, place and brand enough to not be able to say the word “Quit” even and chose to go with “I want to drop the big Q.” Lol. Unwarranted. Undeserved. I had served pricks who did not deserve me. Who did not try to hold on to the treasure that stood by in the worst and kept them going. Well, Karma resolves what you don’t and needn't.

The learning is to never, ever, ever give that lifetime of a time to anyone, anybody, anyplace that may have “something” going but doesn't agree with you on a cellular, ethical, deeply personal level. The best work is not worth the blow to the conscience. It’s funny how one can be eased into injustice. How the most ferocious people can accept it as a norm. As shit that just happens and you just stick around to make your most. ‘Most’ doesn't happen in ditches. It happens under the glorious sun.

I think I tend to give things too much of a chance. I haven’t been a drifter. Only two jobs old in the industry yet. That must change too. It is important to interpret the dust rising from afar as the signs of a storm as soon as one can.

Life is short.

Half a decade. The best years of my 20s. Spent gathering cortisol.  God knows how. God knows why. But I move on. And perhaps one day I will understand. Or perhaps human stupidity defies divine design.

Anyhoo. At least it’s over. Finally, it is. It would have for sure. The time had come when all reasons broke the saturation barrier. The red sign was on. And everyone ran for their life. Mass exodus. One tight slap.

This venting was long. But the event warranted it. This year warranted it. The final exhaust at the last stop of the goods train.

Then, the much romanticized month long break I gave myself was ridden with bad omen. Right at its onset, the along awaited, long jinxed trip gloriously blasted in our face. Night before departure. That cruel.  I still went on with the break I felt I deserved. Home just got to me. And all the frustration just kept coming out. Maybe it was the cleansing I needed to start afresh.

August 1st was Day one of Job 3. No one was there. I had bad lunch in a nearby hotel. But slowly work crept in and very quickly, completely took over. Too much work. But I kept afloat the deluge with surprising cheerfulness because I was probably enjoying the variety of categories after long. Don’t know if that is a healthy thing though. Because the work life balance is fully tipped to the former. Ridiculous 9 am meetings after full nighters are a norm. If my will doesn't, my body may surely give up. But overall, it’s been enjoyable. Again, probably it’s my depraved part enjoying the chaos but this clamour I feel is not the best thing to put up with. It rounds up to the big question of doing things the unacceptable way, though it’s not as drastic here as it sounds.

Overall, on the work front, right now I’m too occupied to think beyond but I do wonder if there are better things to do for me. I wanted time to explore them but I’m not getting that here and I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I need to sit and ponder over the hows and abouts of taking that chance. If not now, when.

Meanwhile, here an article on ‘The disease of being busy.’ http://www.onbeing.org/blog/the-disease-of-being-busy/7023

I fear that this business will engulf all my desires and I wouldn’t even know it. 

That’s the work front. 

We come to the another big part of my self. 

My wanderlust.

In 2014, I did manage a few getaways. 

Feb, was Kerala with G and N. 

June was the fastest trip across 5 locations up north. The worst time to be there. Delhi was the hottest it has ever been and the cold areas nearby were understandably thronged. Yet, it was a super exciting trip. Anything can be super exciting with the right peeps. This trip taught me that there is no wrong time to travel, no wrong place to go to and no bad plans.

October saw a long weekend spent in Coorg. My long wish of going out on a long weekend happened here. There, the simple joys of a homestay. Another first. Of living by a lane versus a fancy hotel. Of befriending aunties, getting free coffee, naming their cat and swimming in the pool at their estate. And the monks at the unforgettable Tibetan village in Bylakuppe. Beautiful. This trip taught me the importance of the right company or none.

Later, a day or two spent in Calcutta and this years only visit to the bereaved Goa (almost miraculous) also happened. Very small but very relaxing and enriching.

That’s a lot of places marked this year. Yet, my soul yearns for more. It feels like its seen nothing, been nowhere. These visits seem like memories of a time long gone. There have to be more, there have to be many. Slowly, slowly, I shall figure ways. Fast, fast  rather. No excuses. Nothing to come in my way. All shit reasons and all unseemly people can go to ****.

Not to forget bringing in the big birthday in style. This year foren banta hai.

Another big event, person wise, my influences wise, writer wise, life wise, was interacting with the living legend, the charming, the disarming GULZAR. This encounter was so deeply affecting, it deserves a post of its own. On the other hand, probably no combination of words can ever truly convey what the experience has been to me. I bow to thee.

Friend front: -

Have to admit that I’m tired of everyone’s issues and slowly detaching away. 

Aao to bhala, jaao to bhala.

Big event of the year is H is Hitched! That which seemed never to happen, happened so fast and so strong it’s unbelievable! But I'm afraid they have turned out to be those OTT couples and I think she doesn’t really like me. Still, happy that he found love and hopeful that I too shall! Never too late, no scene too impossible. Because this sure is destiny at play.

Another big event is when I gained the new job, I almost lost K. The least I have spoken to her in all the time I have known her I think. I thought we were above stuff but apparently it’s not true. There was a lot of hurt, primarily due to the phase I was in. Accentuated by some stupid acts by her and her kin. Totally over it but want to communicate some things about it to her for the future. Not sure if I should/will. 

Why are confrontations so tough. Why do people go through things with each other find it so tough to talk about it to each other.

Punds is getting better. He seems to be slowly coming around. Feels nice to have him around. The year has been tough on him and I sincerely pray the coming year is so much better that joy goes all happydentwhite on him.

Looking Forward: -

For the new year.

My mind is a jumble over things I want.

The top one on my wishlist since years is fulfilled. Leaving that job.

Though I am supremely grateful, this year I have to figure ways to find what I seek. Is it money? Is it another line? Is it something else?

Move out.

The money I’m earning is not acceptable to me. Esp for the amount of effort and how much of your life it takes. 

Time is an illusion. Very quickly a lot of time passes. What your life truly needs, what you truly want, has to be figured out amidst the chaos. Very fast. 

Dekha jaaye to lot of epic things have happened this year overall, still, why so serious? 

A big weight off my being will be when I get the freedom I crave. I don't know if I have the strength. I leave this to the almighty. He will show me light, when the time is right.

I don't know if what i feel now in life is a state of resignation or that of acceptance. Both they say are not the way to be. What about full power. What about go get it. But my insides feel rested, strangely. Unaffected.

So here's a more consolidated list: -

Earn more money.
Move out.
Big and small travel.
Foren. Plan it out.
Kuch off beat kaam bhi kar lete hain, work wise.
Explore other lines.
Sort mom's health.
Bro to focus on his career.
Some force into B's wedding.
Chart out all these on a calendar and plan them out.

Possibly find love.

Here's to a new year. An exciting year. A happy year. A better year. A heall yeah, year. Where life will have no compromises. Where shit will have no patience or consideration. Where freedom will come. It will come, it has to. For this is the big year.

And if not now, when.