Ummapalm

iv been wanting to note down my bizarre-bizarre-weirdest-raised-to-n dreams.
as expected the thought didnt materialise. but hey, this nice quick way of writing them on the blog struck. instant gratification satisfied, but its a bit of an impersonal space to write my dreams in. also, what if there is some huge virus like the y2k that will probably delete everything on the net 20 years from now? how will i go back to my dreams n find out how many came true and backward inetgrate the meaning and interpretations of them in my life. never mind. so be it.

so here goes the first one on my blog.

title? When i bore babies from a firang father. (!!!##&&).




i am pregnant. but i dont have the bulged tummy. im at my place. there is not as much excitement as there should be if im pregnant. im not any older. just what im now. the atmosphere is weird. very brown, green n muddy. a bit caught up. the house is running normal, but im pregnant! n its not showing much on them. aah, im not married. the father of the child appears. he is a firang, harley driving sorts. long hair, huge tattoo on the arm, jacket n all, ruffled. its time for my delivery and the child is born through a cesarean operation. im very upset that it was not a normal delivery. i have always felt that one of the reasons a child is so dear to his mother is that she undergoes utmost pain while giving birth to it. so im feeling bad. i get the child home. all through the way, im feeling strange that its 'my' child. im looking at his face. yes, its a boy. i get him home. again, there is no surprise. i mean, neither in me nor in my family..i can feel it in the dream that this is not how we behave. its strangely...unperturbed. i can feel that every moment. im not even going crazy over the child. i want to, but im not. im trying to understand how to breast feed the baby. its a beautiful baby, n i feel it looks like me :). strangely, i did not experience any of the seemingly painful parts of child birth...no labour pain n push-push n no breast feeding happened. and the baby never cried. it always smiled at me.

underwater elves take the father of the child into the green sea. there is a car washing machine submerged, maybe from a drowned ship that was carying it many years ago. its got all moss on it. the elves wash the man with the machine. the water and the machine are working on him. the brushes are rolling against him n he is being tossed smoothly as it works, cleaning him. his long, light brown hair, become neatly short. his tattoo is gone. he is a gentleman. one part of the machine on the top is what a piano is like if you remove the keys. the elves run on it n urge him to follow. they run, n the sticks go up n down up n down, very smoothly, in the water.

he is my husband now. we are sitting at the dinner table. i look the same. there is a grown up child on the table, around 9-10yrs. and a smaller boy of around 2 years. he's my second child. again, the atmosphere is very normal. like how child birth, family, n husband would be for a poor girl.. predictable.. unexciting. im looking at my second child n want to do those things that i think me would do. i bend down n croon, chotu...chotu.

n the dream ends.

i get up disturbed.


Notes

i read an article in the paper the day before i saw the dream in which someone is talking of a painter who is half indian, half german. i had felt how would it be to give birth to a child like that.



Dream Moods - A to Z Dream Dictionary.

Baby
To see a baby in your dream, signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies may symbolize something in your own inner nature which is pure, vulnerable, and/or uncorrupted. If you dream that you are on your way to the hospital to have a baby, then it signifies your issues of dependency and your desire to be completely cared for. Perhaps you are trying to get out of some responsibility. Babies may represent an aspect of yourself that is vulnerable and helpless.
To dream that you or someone is having a baby, suggests that you are giving birth to a new idea or project. It also represents new beginnings or some upcoming event.

Husband
To dream that you have a husband (but you do not in your waking life), symbolizes some sort of partnership and/or commitment. Often, it is also representative of the qualities of your father in which you projected onto this figure or the masculine side of your own personality.

Pregnant
To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

Sea
To see the sea in your dream, represents your unconscious and your transition between your unconscious and conscious. It also often represents your emotions. The dream may also be a pun on your understanding and perception of a situation. "I see" or perhaps there is something you need to "see" more clearly. Alternatively, the dream may indicate a need to reassure yourself or offer reassurance to someone.

Seaweed
To see seaweed in your dream, suggests that you need to rely on your intuition and trust your instincts.

Elf
To see an elf in your dream, refers to some imbalance and disharmony in your life. The elf often serves as a guide of the soul. Alternatively, it suggests that you need to be more carefree, worry-free, and light-hearted.

can this generation make friends?
can we make friends?
friends that last.
friends that are friends.
so narrowed down is our qualification for a friend that i wonder how many will pass through them in the test of time.
i wonder how many will remain.
a quest for the perfect perfection, even in friendship.
can we deal with each other? the way i am? the way you are?
if love is the delicacy of life, friendship is definitely the garnish.
its vanishing. its going. the food is just boiled now. and we care a damn.
things change. u become predicatble. non-exciting in other words. a new person, a new humour, a new passion, or the sheer lack of it, attract you.
change can kill you. and no one will bother. u will stand fucked, and you have just you for company. the laughs are gone. the memories wont fade. life will move on. you too will. without it. without much.
the phoenix resurrects and you know things happen for the good.
but i crave for permanency in a world where change is the only permanent thing.
that is why we live for ourselves.
that is why we care a shit.
that is why you can go take a high if you have a problem.
you can ditch me tommorrow, why should i be there for you.
i am no saint.
i am human.
and i hate you.

Na hai yeh pana
Na khona he hai
Tera na hona, jaane
Kuyn hona he hai

Tum Se Hi din hota hai
Surmayi shaam aati hai
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi
Har ghadi saans aati hai
Zindagi kehlati hai
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi

Na hai yeh pana
Na khona hi hai
Tera na hona, jaane
Kuyn hona hi hai

Aankho mein aankhe teri
Baahon mein Baahen teri
Mera na mujh mein kuch raha
Hua kya
Baaton mein baatein teri
Raatein saogathe meri
Kuyn tera sab yeh ho gaya
Hua kya
Main kahin bhi jaata hun
Tum Se Hi mil jatha hun
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi
Shor mein khamoshi hai
Thodi si behoshi hai
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi

Aadha sa vaada kabhi
Aadhe se zyada kabhi
Jee chahe karlu is tarah
Wafa ka
Chode na chute kabhi
Tode na toote kabhi
Jo dhaaga tum se jud gaya
Wafa ka
Mein tera sarmaya hun
Jo bhi mein ban paya hun
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi
Raaste mil jate hai
Manzile mil jati hai
Tum Se Hi Tum Se Hi

Na hai yeh pana
Na khona he hai
Tera na hona, jaane
Kuyn hona he hai

i make your problem my problem more than it is a problem to you.
i don't understand that there is something called a "vent" that people "vent" and "dont mean". Words are real for me. They are said to be meant. Why would someone use such strong words for anything or anyone without actually meaning them? If they are saying it, they are meaning it too no. They come and say it to me and things dont stop there. I feel ike doing something about it. You get out of it and i get drawn into it. Im feeling sick. I dont want to be a vent machine. People are so kachcha, they come out of things so soon. It seemed that its the end of their life, but hey, they are right there like sunshine now. I feel its weak principles. I feel its accepting the circumstances. I used to get shaken if a friend told that he/she is breaking up with their partner. But two days later they are fine, while i lost my sleep over them. Iv atleast come to terms with that now. It doesnt surprise me anymore, this situation. But general venting still rules over. It makes me sick. Your problem makes me sick. But thats how i thought it is. How can i be happy while ur sad? But iv become better on that front also. Bas abhi thoda daily things are left. But daily comes daily, spoiling each day. I want to be me. Always.
People make decisions everyday, but there is no jigar to implement them. Loser. What you say, think, decide, when you are feeling something very strongly is what you "actually" feel about the situation. Im not supporting josh mein hosh khona, im just against complacency and lack of courage to change things.

Decision: choose the deserving problem.

the camera.

the voice recorder.

the smell capturer.

stored for time.

of mud brushed by the first rains.

of a milk fed baby.

of my moms palms.

of her mehendi washed hair.

of clothes fresh from the laundry.

of the railway track.

of old books.

of new books.

of the letter from far away.

of the whiff of perfume.

of the floor made from dung.

of hay.

of the eucalyptus leaf.

of the closet.

of your desk.

of christian homes.

of the morning newspaper.

of nail-paint.

of the old leather jacket.

of pencils.

of a print out.

of the meadows wet with dew.

of your favorite flower.

of new shoes.

of grandmothers kitchen.

of a dog licked child.

of the beach.

mobile enabled.

coming soon.

Aah! I feel like breathing. Amidst all the effort to do "different" and the so called clutter breaking advertising, that finally remains in the walls of the conference room and faff thrown at the client, i have come across a 'good' ad. One that i searched on the internet and on unavailability scanned from the paper to put it here. I don't know why people are so wary of accepting things that are truly different. The stale has a strange safe comforting air of familiarity. Lot is at stake, you won't go wrong with that. Wow...challenge.
I know my opinion on this particular ad might sound exaggerated, but the real point is that i have been wanting to have real images in an ad since long. And the last place i expected it was in fashion advertising. Its a very pleasant surprise. And as i have always said, pleasant surprises are always treasured.

Fashion advertising especially in India was so a follower of international trends that it stopped making an impact other than registering the brand name in your conscience. And i guess that has become the brief too. Finally, i saw something truly different and yet relevant. Indian Terrain. India. How can a closed studio environment describe India. You're right. Maza aa gaya. And it doesn't stop at that. There isn't a headline, a tagline (tagging along), a baseline, any line. Just the logo and a very good image, speaking volumes. All rules broken. Pleasing the market, not the award books. So much fun.

An unknown agency called Fisheye has shown me light.

I think love is a priviledge. Lets exclude even true love. Just love. Everyone wants it, some don't get it n some 'cant'. If you have love in your life, consider yourselves very very fortunate. Even if its the dating period. Even if you somewhere know that it won't last. Cherish it. Cz you're blessed.

It's strangest when love is in your face but you cant accept it. It's strange when you are chasing a love you know you wont get. Love is strange. I wont agree that love knows no bounds. It does. Like everything in life, it too is a ploy of circumstances. Even living in a fantasy world doesn't help much. It just makes it all still look good.

Love can be there in life in various forms. But what we all wait for is that one love. Your love. The only thing which matters at the end of the day in this life. And you might not even get to get it. Im not talking of getting it, im talking of getting to get it. Get that?